The Very Worst Of Petrol Bastard

by Petrol Bastard

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about

Formed in Leeds UK in early 2012, Petrol Bastard are a comedic techno-punk band who are notorious for their violent live shows, drinking prowess, and prolific song writing on subjects including drug taking, wanking, violence, and drinking.

This album is a collection of favourites from their previous album and EP releases; Jihad Trombone (Mar 2012), Dripping Gash (Dec 2012), Nice Jacket Dickhead (Aug 2014), and U R FUK (Jul 2015).

credits

released February 5, 2016

All tracks written, produced and mixed by Petrol Bastard at Terrible Problem Studios, Leeds

Remastered by Jonathan Casey at Ultraviolence HQ

Album artwork original image copyright @CleverCunst

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Petrol Bastard Leeds, UK

Twatty UK techno-punk bullshit!

Bookings: petrolbastard@gmail.com

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Track Name: Shoot The Dog
PULL YOUR FUCKING COCK OUT AND GIVE ME MY MONEY
SHOOT THE DOG THAT'S AN ORDER
PULL YOUR FUCKING COCK OUT AND GIVE ME MY MONEY
SHOOT THE DOG THAT'S AN ORDER
Track Name: Circuit Board Rammed Up My Arse
FUCK! WHY'VE I GOT A CIRCUIT BOARD RAMMED UP MY ARSE?
IT'S A SYMBOL OF CHAOS, A SYMBOL OF FUTURE!
FUCK! WHY'VE I GOT A CIRCUIT BOARD RAMMED UP MY ARSE?
IT'S A SYMBOL OF PURITY, A SYMBOL OF NOW!
FUCK! WHY'VE I GOT A CIRCUIT BOARD RAMMED UP MY ARSE?
IT'S A SYMBOL OF STRENGTH, A SYMBOL OF POWER!
FUCK! WHY'VE I GOT A CIRCUIT BOARD RAMMED UP MY ARSE?
IT'S A SYMBOL OF NOTHING, A SYMBOL OF SHIT!

BASTARD ARMY ON A PILL
DRINKING VODKA OUT OF A MUG
TALKING SHIT AND EATING CHIPS
PLAYING DOUBLE FUCKING DRAGON
Track Name: Fuck Off
Fuck you, you stupid cunt
eat shit, why won't you just fuck off
You're a massive twat
No-one like your band fuck off
Track Name: Hey Petrol Bastard
Hey Ben
Is it true that you've fucked every girl in Leeds, even the ones with special needs?
Hey Jon
Is it true that you live in a mansion and own a Bugatti, you short-ass fattie?
Hey Ben
Is it true that your hobby is fighting women, and injecting drugs?
Hey Jon
Is it true that you make your cat sniff glue, and you murdered it too?
Hey Ben
Is it true that you gave Terry Wogan a wedgie, because you're so edgy?
Hey Jon
Is it true that you secretly visit gay-bars, and take it up the bottom?
Hey Ben
Is it true that you chased and murdered a junkie, because you are punky?
Hey Jon is it true that you played a gig at a pub, and rubbed the mic on your chub?

Hey Petrol Bastard
Is it true that you bum each other?
Why yes! What's the issue?
Hey Petrol Bastard
is it true that you broke a guy's nose?
That's right- it was mine!
Hey Petrol Bastard
Is it true that you both can't count?
1, 2, 4, errrr...
Hey Petrol Bastard
Is it true that you like long gaps?
.....No

Hey Ben
is it true that you've never washed your jeans, and they're covered in beans?
Hey Jon
Is it true that you once swore at Stephen Fry? What an awesome guy!
Hey Ben
Is it true that you only use keyboard presets, and you have a birth defect?
Hey Jon
Is it true that you swallowed a goldfish whole, and threw up in the bowl?
Hey Ben
Were you arrested in Japan? No- Little China in Liverpool, man!
Hey Jon
Is it true that you've got an olympic sized swimming pool and it's full of poo?
Hey Ben
is it true that you once killed a goose with a hammer?
Yes I smashed it's stupid goose head in...
Track Name: Microwave
KEEP THE CUNTS TALKING WHILE I PUT THE HARD DRIVE IN THE MICROWAVE
KEEP THE CUNTS TALKING WHILE I FRY THAT BITCH IN THE MICROWAVE
Track Name: Fly A Plane Into A Londis
Some fat cunt with piles of revenge porn
And chemically linked up sputum and Vimto
There's fields and fields of damaged vaginas
My internet history is totally fucked

I need more time
You're the perfect example
I need more cash
My body's a temple
I need some fucking turbo machine guns
Let's take some drugs and smash up a shop

I drank a fucking case of pop
And stole a fucking aeroplane
Tried to crash into some shops
But landed in the fucking sea
Track Name: If You Die In Batley Do You Die In Real Life
Petrol Bastard bringing you a tale of immortality and morality from the streets of... Batley

Dragging the streets with a belly full of glass
There's nowhere to go we set cars on fire
Bred like a kaiju a proper fucking lad
Fucking work in the street, fucking live in the shadows

Medic
If you die in Batley do you die in real life?
Street Sweeper
If you die in Batley do you die in real life?
We're a union of stink
If you die in Batley do you die in real life?
And KFC wrappers
If you die in Batley do you die in real life?

Right lads, it's time to focus. Time to look forward and fuck all that shite. We reside in a secret bunker, a lab built beneath Batley's Tesco superstore. It's where I brought you when I first found you. You were aborted foetuses, stolen from the medical bins, I nurtured you, developed you, you became the evil twins
Street sweeper, sweep the streets

Fired up on speed and a glass of Buckfast
Have a Happy Meal then we smash the place up
See my brother's a psycho, a proper fucking lad
I stab people called Gavin, people called Gavin

If you die in Batley you don't die in real life boys
You were dead when I found you, you can't die twice boys
Track Name: Swan Shit On Mah Dik
Swan shit on Mah Dik
Swan shit on Mah Dik
That's right bitch
I've got Swan shit on Mah Dik

[secret badboy gangsta ninja rapping]
Track Name: Fred Foster's Broken Fridge
What's that smell? It's fucking rotten meat
I only had these cunts done just last fucking week
This isn't even mine, I'm paid to keep it safe
I fucking need a drink, I'm fucking losing face

What the fuck is happening Frederick?
What's happened to the meat?

Fuck it all and go out for a drink
Help to pull you backwards from that brink

8 pints and a fucking Navy Rum, I'm only halfway through a fucking 3 day run
This is the way I cope, I've got this drinker's gene
I'll show them cunts who's boss, I'm a fucking machine

What the fuck is happening Frederick?
What's happened to the meat?

Fuck it all and go out for a drink
Help to pull you backwards from that brink
Fucking hell that meat's starting to stink
Fuck it all and go out for a drink

3 days down and 3 litres of rum
My bones are feeling cold, my body's going numb
The Salvation Army please come and rescue me
The Salvation Army please come and rescue me
Track Name: Beefy Grandad
I mic'd up my granddad to get a fat bassline
What's that? Beefy! What's that? Beefy!
I ramped up the wheelchair ramped up the volume
What's that? Beefy! What's that? Beefy!

I mic'd up my grandad to get a fat bassline
The zimmer is a winner when my nana's on kali
I ramped up the wheelchair, ramped up the volume
My grandad's pissed in his Batman costume

Get up and dance you beefy grandad
Bust a dance move, bust your piss bag
Get up and dance you beefy grandad
See a strobe light, have a flashback
Track Name: Bitch Better Be A Meateater
THAT BITCH BETTER BE A MEAT EATER
THAT BITCH BETTER FUCKING EAT MEAT
Track Name: River Of Shit And Fire
EVERYTHING YOU EVER LOVED IS SWALLOWED UP
IN A RIVER OF SHIT AND FIRE
Track Name: Warrior Face
WE WERE WOKEN UP EARLY BY AN AMBULANCE OFFENSIVE
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN
A WIRE EATING PARAPLEGIC ROBOT ABRASIVE
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN

SHOW US YOUR WARRIOR FACE

SMASHING STRONGBOWS IN THE BONUS ROUND
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN
GRIND YOUR TEETH, RECONSIDER YOUR VALUES
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN

CALIBRATED HYDRAULIC VEGETATION
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN
WE ARE STUDENTS OF OUR MISFORTUNE
I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN

SHOW US YOUR WARRIOR FACE
Track Name: Violent Assault On Priory Way
THERE'S BEEN A VIOLENT ASSAULT ON PRIORY WAY
A VIOLENT ASSAULT

DICK SUCKS
FOR MARKETING
SHIT STINKS
AND VOMITING
HAEMORRHAGE
WE'RE HAEMORRHAGING
SICK CUNTS
SHIT CUNTS
Track Name: Oi Lad
Oi lad, it's ok to feel shit
But you gotta use it
Always gotta fucking stay hungry

Oi lad, not calling you a fat twat
But are you gonna eat that?
Always gotta fucking stay hungry

By the time five seconds have passed
the blood has looped through your body
a new game has begun

There's never been a better time
A better opportunity
To completely un-fuck, completely un-twat

Keep your mind on the tits
Lead this mission with your dick
Keep your back straight, head high
Fists fucking clenched

There's only one twat left who can make it fucking happen!